a walk to remember
It’s 31st December 2008.
366 days are almost gone.
Like every 31st December, I sure will just sit, pause, and look back, of what I’ve done, experienced, achieved, learnt, gained, lost, which way I’ve chosen, where I am now. What have I grown into along this year? Am I a better person? Am I a more mature girl? Am I stronger? Am I living my life the way I wanted? I made funny goals on 31st December 2007, and did I make all that goals come true?
Each and every year, nothing much I asked for, I just want to be a better person that I was, and I don’t even know how to measure that.
Is my 2008 an enriching year? I graduated from matriculation, and entered unimas, that’s what at the surface. In the depth, well, a lot that I learnt somehow…
The further I go, the more I realize how weak I am, how strong I try to be…how many times I tell myself, ‘I am an independent girl…’, how many times I witness myself making promises that I wont cry over little stuffs, and it’s the same time I watch my tears fall, I just cant help it…it is how many times I watch myself fall and fall deeper with each step I take forward, and I bleed more and more each day. It is those days I feel like I need to break down and just do tired of everything. They say these are what u need to live a life, that makes you stronger and better than any other person, because when u learn to walk before u leap, then u wont stop anymore. I do find this uneasy, like u just don’t know who u are anymore, like the real you is lost, and seems so far, u cant find it…
Disappointment is the biggest hindrance of moving on. I was disappointed, sometimes, along the way. How many times must I say ‘It’ll be okay next time,’ until it really is okay? If it worth the wait…
But I know God still love me, because in my low points in life, He never leaves me alone. He sure knows how I cannot be alone, how I cannot do things on my own. Sure He couldn’t be here with me, but He sent me an angel. Guardian angel. And sometimes when something so good happen at the moment you feel everything is so wrong, it’s the time when u wonder, why someone as flaw as you, deserve to be as happy as God make you. There will never be answer to that, if there is, you’ll never know. Well, I don’t want to know the answer…because I am more than thankful, that I am blessed with an angel. I pray that I will be given the love, to cherish him until the very end.
Life is beautiful, even there are regrets along the way, regrets are my check points, to actually see what I could’ve done and should’ve done, learn from my mistake. Even there’s nothing much I do, I don’t save ten thousands in my bank account, I don’t do bungee jumping, don’t manage to write and publish a book, don’t kiss 10 guys, don’t come out as the prettiest or the popular girl in class, but I learn many things this year, I learn the importance of friendship, I learn the true meaning of love and care, I experience the bleed when u climb and fall, I feel my faith gone, and then trust it because God showed me something so precious, I see that most things in life are how you want it tobe, I learn and learn, those little things somehow mould me, in any little way, they still leave footprints in my heart….and most of all, which is the most important thing, I learn to laugh more, and maybe too much! And I’m still the same girl next door…
Even if I’m still lost, still looking for that ‘me’, but God always will lead me through. I might find myself kneeling down my bed tonight, I might feel like I don’t know what to say…but the truth is, I always feel so small in this big world, and I don’t want to be alone, even though I keep saying I’m strong. No, not all the way through.
For the year 2009, well, I do have lists of goals… simplified version : I want to be a better person. How do I measure this? I still don’t know.
Bye bye 2008…hello 2009!!!
